Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
