Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
