Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
