I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize