I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
