The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize