i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
