i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize