My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
