The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
