Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
