a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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