Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
