I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
