I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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