life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
