Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
