I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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