I'm going to jail i love you
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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