I wish i was in the wii world.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
