Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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