peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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