Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
