Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
