Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
