I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
