I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
