I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I love having hate sex.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Semen is not good for contacts.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
