So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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