ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You took a bar mat shot.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
