I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
