Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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