so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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