how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
