i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
