How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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