she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
