omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
