I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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