ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
