Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
love makes seman taste better
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
