Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
