I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
