i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
