Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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