I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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