I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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