She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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