I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
