Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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