U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
