I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
