Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
