I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
