Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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