i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
