Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize