i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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