Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dear god my vagina.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
