I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
