I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Im part way to drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
