I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
