Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He passed out mid-signature
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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