My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im holly from the hills drunk
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
