You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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