just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
organizing the empties. That sober.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
